Last month, during a coaching session, I had a very special experience. My client was talking about some episodes of her life regarding her relationship with her mother. These events, in a very surprising way, were related to facts that were part of my past, too: same years and same type of experience. While she was telling me her story, I had to make a great effort to stay present, the famous “here and now” so important in the coaching relationship in order not to “pollute” my client’s experience with mine.
While returning home, I wondered about this strange and surprising coincidence:
– Why was this happening to me?
– Why was this happening at a time in my life when my past was coming back with painful memories?
Since I could not find a logical explanation for this incredible synchronicity, I decided to change the focus of my reflections by asking different questions, such as:
– What is this teaching me?
– How can I use this connection to help my client?
These last questions helped me think in a more constructive way and allowed me to stay grounded in my role as a coach, fully at the service of my client and focused on her situation. I shifted the focus from myself to my client. I considered my client’s potential rather than her problems: I reflected on her incredible strength, on her ability to enhance her qualities thanks to the teachings of her past experiences and on her ability to translate them into concrete positive actions for herself and her collaborators.
In my meditations I expressed a deep sense of gratitude towards my client for offering me an example of how the past, although painful, if sublimated can be a gift for oneself and for others.
Some time later, I had another coaching session with this same client. To my delight, she told me how the previous session had helped her to distance herself from her past through concrete actions in the workplace that had the effect of making her feel lighter and more in tune with herself and others.
I was moved. I felt a strong emotion and a sense of great connection with her, mixed with pride and joy.
The thing is, this episode is just one example of a multitude of other similar coincidences that have happened to me, so I paused to reflect on the meaning of all this. But instead of relying on my intellect, I chose to let my heart and my gut speak. I realized that if I had started thinking with my brain, I would have been stuck on the question “why do these things happen?”.
The limits of knowledge as we know it
Carl Gustav Jung [1] in the book Ma Vie reports his reflections following a conversation with a Pueblo Indian from New Mexico: “Knowledge does not enrich us; it removes us more and more from the mythic world in which we were once at home by right of birth. Let’s look away for a moment from all European rationalism and flee into the clear air of the heights of this solitary plateau which, on the one hand, descends towards the vast continental prairies and on the other towards the Pacific Ocean; at the same time, let’s get rid of our knowledge of the world and let’s exchange it with unlimited horizons and an unconsciousness of the universe that lives beyond it …”
The knowledge to which Jung refers and criticizes is that “school” knowledge of a European imprint that is limited to notions and concepts explaining our world, on the basis of the science of the visible and the demonstrable. But there is another kind of knowledge that is unsubstantiated by science, Jung says. Even if numerous scholars [2] have conducted research and experiments to try to understand these “coincidences”, the results have just reaffirmed the facts (= these coincidences actually happen), rather than providing a scientific demonstration of how and why they happen ( = these coincidences happen because it is proved that physically there are measurable forces at play).
Therefore, I propose that you “listen” to Jung and authorize yourselves to explore this intangible and mysterious world because we can benefit immensely from it.
Instead of spending our energy trying to prove what cannot be explained, let’s dive in and see where it takes us. This is what I said to myself in the face of my amazement following what happened with my client. So, instead of asking myself “why is this happening to me?”, I preferred to ask myself the following questions:
– What is my client telling me about my situation today?
– How does this correspondence between my situation and that of my client allow me to increase my self-awareness?
– What emotions and reactions did it trigger in me?
– What is this teaching me?
Instead of trying to “understand” the coincidence, which is impossible, I took this opportunity to try to understand myself better.
Know yourself
Jung also said: “It is impossible for us to embrace the nature of the unconscious through knowledge, nor to assign rational boundaries to it. A knowledge of nature can only be achieved through a science that broadens the consciousness, and that is why a deep knowledge of oneself also requires science, that is, psychology.” For Jung, psychology is the study of human mechanisms, a study that begins with oneself by increasing one’s self-awareness.
Aristotle[3] also said that to become a good person one should not focus on what “good” means, but one must live in the here and now being good. It is our experience and how we interpret it that allows us to be “good” and, in order to interpret this experience, we need to increase our knowledge of ourselves, through what Jung calls “psychology”.
The subtle signals
I realized that this introspection allows for a more acute observation of the phenomena that occur to us in our everyday life, as if there were a correspondence between the inside and the outside: the more I become aware of the impact that these coincidences have in me and of my reflections, the more I notice these coincidences. But being able to notice them doesn’t mean that I have supernatural powers. On the contrary, this subtlety of observation comes from very human and natural reflections.
Another very important factor that allows us to grasp the subtle signals comes from putting our rational brain in “pause” mode. There are phenomena that can frankly be disturbing. In order to protect ourselves from this upsetting feelings, the tendency may be to seek “rational” explanations. But this is an illusion, because the inexplicable cannot be explained. So, the lesson I draw from it is that it is equally important to learn the art of leaving aside this rational part as it is to allow intuition and all of our emotions to fully emerge.
I know this can be a bit scary. A bit like when we were little and we entered the amusement park’s “Haunted House”, fearful of what might be hiding around the corner and of how that would make us feel. It is a bit like jumping in the dark. Or in the light, if we look at it as an opportunity. Because these subtle signals, if you think about it, are a source of wonder, of profound connection with those who send them and above all with ourselves.
Living better in these inexplicable times
2020 is a difficult year for many, including me, for different personal reasons.
Through my reflection, I realized that if I spent my time trying to explain to myself why this year was difficult, I would not benefit from it. In fact, I would get further depressed.
Instead, it is of great benefit to me to direct my attention to the subtle signals that I have received through the experiences that I have lived and that have allowed me to know myself better. This brings me joy and a positive sense of connection with the world and the people I am in relationship with.
I know that for me the best strategy to move away from rational thinking and focus on feelings and perceptions to better grasp them, is to reflect while walking or listening to music. For others what works best is meditation or other “mindfulness” practices, for others still the practice of sports such as running is a source of introspection.
My invitation for this special holiday period is to find a way to let go of some of your rationality to open yourself to new sensations and connections. Who knows, 2021 could be the year of new discoveries and new horizons within you …
[1] “Ma vie” Carl Gustav Jung, ed Gallimard.
[2] Example of a study: Intuition, Telepathy, and Interspecies Communication: A Multidisciplinary Perspective, Deborah L. Erickson.
[3] Aristotle’s way, Edith Hall, ed Penguin, pages 100-103.
