Most of us matured with the mentality that having things “under control” was the way to go. That we needed to strive for our goals with everything we had, and then we would be happy. That, particularly for women, we should be able to handle everything, attend to everyone and make everything work. That in order to demonstrate our value, we needed to achieve, and that these achievements were never enough.
Nobody taught us that in the midst of this race we needed to pause and re-evaluate, in order to see if what we are doing is still aligned with who we are. Nowadays, both in my job and personal life, I see too many breakdowns to still believe that we can completely control one’s life. We need periodical check-ins with ourselves to make sure that what we are doing is making us feel good and is truly important to us.
Too many of us act on the rooted belief that we should hold on to things and fight for what we want, but it seems that at this moment in time there’s another lesson to learn: The importance of letting go.
HOW NOT DOING ANYTHING SOMETIMES DOES EVERYTHING
What if I told you “don’t act”, “don’t try to control”, “let go”? To me, it sounds scary. The idea of letting things unfold before my eyes without me intervening is daunting. And yet, a very powerful temptation because, beyond the fear, I can sense a promise of freedom, relaxation, and the opportunity to release some of that overwhelming responsibility. It’s an exciting thought and most importantly, it smells a lot like truth.
Obviously, there’s that unspoken risk which, for the most part, we are not so willing to take: Things may go differently than we expect. For example, people may make mistakes we would have been able to prevent, or unexpected changes may happen. This doesn’t sound safe, does it? But is it actually worse than the present situation?
Have you ever asked yourself what happens when you are always there to collect the pieces and put them back together? What is the impact of you “making things work”, and what are the consequences of you “taking care of things”?
Things may go your way, at least for a little while, but at what cost? In the battlefield of preemptive action and control, often growth, opportunities, creativity and innovation are the ones that pay the expenses, as well as your wellbeing and your peace of mind.
So, maybe it’s worth exploring another strategy in search of a balance between stepping in and stepping back.
NOT-DOING AS A FORM OF EMPOWERMENT
Self-Empowerment
A conscious “not-doing” is a form of empowerment for yourself and others. By not doing and letting go, you allow yourself space and time; you give yourself permission to recover an energy that would be otherwise consumed by your struggle for control. By stepping back, you grant yourself perspective and the opportunity to observe, open up and let new insights come in.
Try to connect with how your body and your mind feel when you are consumed into “making things happen.” What is likely to emerge is a sensation of tightness, tension, adrenaline. These are the symptoms of a rigid and tunneled mind. You get stuck into a goal without realizing that getting to the prize is not all there is.
If we learn to let go – not to be mistaken with carelessness – we give ourselves the opportunity to let things flow and learn from that, we can recharge and return to the task with new ideas. When we are so focused on doing things our way, we deprive ourselves of the experience of exploring other ways. It’s important to know what one’s want but be careful not to confuse the core of the objective with the strategy to get there: For every goal, there are many strategies.
Letting go gives us flexibility. We get to see and experience that we don’t need to continuously lead things one way or the other in order to avoid a catastrophe. There’s always a chance to recover and redirect, maybe in a different and even more fruitful route than what we had previously thought of.
It opens us up to a different relationship with time, decreasing this sense of urgency that is so often responsible of hasty decisions and inappropriate action.
Finally, letting go increases trust in life and others and reduces loneliness. You get to see that things have a way to adjust themselves and that they are often not as critical as you might think. It reduces loneliness because you feel supported as you share power, as well as responsibilities. And although you may actually know better at times, is it really worth it dealing with the stress all alone? Perhaps if you let go of control things might not be as perfect but offer a more playful and enlightening experience.
Empower others
When you leave people free to experiment and learn from their mistakes you are empowering them, teaching them to trust themselves, and sending the message that you think them capable of making decisions for themselves and others.
Giving people the freedom to be responsible for their choices, as well as allowing them to go at their pace, is a form of love and respect.
One thing that shouldn’t be missed though, is to continue to offer plentiful of support and guidance. Especially for leaders, letting people try things out and find solutions for themselves is empowering, but they should feel that the support and the feedback is there if they need it.
It’s a balance between freedom and presence. Like a good parent, you leave others free to experience, but you are there if need be. It’s about releasing control and trust the other person’s capacity to grow and make good decisions. Everyone learns through their own process, so we need to trust that they are capable of taking care of themselves unless we see real danger surfacing.
There will obviously be situations where experiments don’t find place and a stricter and more guided strategy has to be put in place. The key is, as always, finding balance and applying your judgement on a case-by-case basis.
CONCLUSION
Good judgement and balance come from wisdom, which you attain by giving yourself the space to step back and observe, adding that knowledge to your hands-on experience. Furthermore, a more relaxed and open mind makes better decisions. If letting go may seem challenging at first, persevere. It will reward you with a sense of lightness, confidence and possibility that will be reflected in your posture and will inspire others.
By Anna Gallotti & Selika Cerofolini
