Four Ways To Become More Resilient

This Article was published in Forbes on September 2021.

The Cambridge Dictionary defines resilience as “the ability to be happy, successful again after something difficult or bad has happened.” In today’s fast-moving and unpredictable world, resilience is a key attribute for leaders to be able to support themselves, their team and their organization. Here are four techniques for developing individual resilience:

1. Let go of the shame, the past and the mistakes.

The first rule is letting go of what you’ve done in the past. We spend a large amount of energy thinking about what we could’ve done differently — the famous “what if?”

The past, by definition, is gone, and we can’t do much about it. This means that whatever shame we’ve associated with our past actions is completely useless because if we can’t change the past, what’s the shame for?

A coaching client of mine, Julie, burned out because, as a perfectionist, she wanted to excel in all her activities to avoid any kind of reprimand and subsequent shame. At the beginning of the Covid-19 crisis, her company was in emergency mode. Things started changing so rapidly that perfection was simply not achievable. However, she still strived for perfectionism until it was too much. She was so scared of failure that in the end, her body and mind failed her, and she had to stop working for four months.

The first step to becoming more resilient is to honestly ask yourself:

• Are you someone who looks at past mistakes or failures more than at the present and the future?
• Can you accept failure?
• If you achieve something important but fail at another task of minor importance, can you still enjoy your success?

2. Share your burden with others.

Human beings are social animals. This is why lockdown has an effect on our morale. As a consequence, sharing our burdens is fundamental for our mental health. Julie seldom shared her problems at work, and when she did, she always acted as if they didn’t really bother her.

When burnout struck, she finally opened up. She was open, honest and sincere. I finally could perceive the real Julie, and it was a pleasure meeting this version of her.

She told me that two months into her recovery, she realized for the first time that she was able to connect with others on a deeper level by sharing her strengths but also her weaknesses. She was also surprised by the support she received from her colleagues when she shared her experience with them.

What about you? Ask yourself:

• Do you allow yourself the opportunity to share your burdens and weaknesses with your friends/family/colleagues?
• What could you share now that would help you feel lighter?
• Who are the trusted persons around you with whom you would like to have conversations on a deeper level?

3. Focus on the present moment.

Instead of thinking about the past — “I’ve made a mistake.” — consider adopting the following perspective: “What can I do now that’s in my power?” Feeling empowered is about focusing on what’s in your control, not what depends on others.

When Julie was feeling better, she recognized that she needed to learn to simply do her best with the resources at her disposal: her team, what her company offered, her own skills. Full stop. She picked her battles one by one by focusing on the issues she could have an impact on. As a result, she felt much better. Her results at work also improved as she managed her projects more efficiently by being fully present for each of them.

When something goes wrong, how do you manage to focus on the present moment? Ask yourself:

• What’s in your power to change?
• And what isn’t?
• Even if there are no ideal solutions, what’s one good enough approach for the moment?

4. Be grateful for what you have.

The fourth component of resilience is gratitude. When Julie was at home recovering from her burnout, of course, she had moments when she felt miserable and tired to the point that she had to sleep many hours during the day. But little by little, she understood that she had many joys in her life — from having three fantastic children to going out for a walk and noticing the beautiful trees around her apartment. As she began noticing these sources of joy more, she became happier and felt that she could easily recharge herself. It’s all a question of paying attention to the big and small things that are in our life.

Ask yourself:

• Do you take a moment to stop and observe your joys?
• Even if you’re in a tough situation, what are the positives?

Resilience is also about feeling “enough.” Naturally, we all want to match our ideal version of ourselves. But what if, for a moment, we considered ourselves as being skilled, performant and likable enough? Of course, this doesn’t mean that we’re complacent or that we shouldn’t aim to improve ourselves. However, it all depends on your approach: Is it that “I have to be perfect, otherwise I’m not good enough to deserve praise from my boss or my family” or “Although I’m not perfect, that’s OK because nobody is, and I have great qualities that I’ll leverage to do my best.” The latter mindset leaves much more room for a better life and, ultimately, more sustainable success.