Last month we started exploring the meaning of “Success”. We discovered that our idea of being successful is deeply conditioned and suggested some new parameters to establish our priorities and understand what’s most important to us. This month we will continue on the same subject, moving from personal stories to scientific findings, trying to find an answer to our initial question: at the beginning of a new era, what is the definition of Success that is meaningful to us?
Inside story: I successfully transformed my frustration…into back pain
Here is a personal story. Like many of you, I guess, I suffered from back pain. The pain was so bad I couldn’t find a position to sit, let alone work. It was just pain everywhere. Obviously, I was told to try painkillers, to see a doctor (who would of course prescribe stronger painkillers) and thus solve the problem. We are in a fix-n-go society after all and woe to those who stop running!
But I was rebelliously resistant to all the advice, not because I’m a masochist but because I felt that it was just a patch, a band-aid that wouldn’t solve the real problem; something else was at stake that no amount of Tylenol could help. I wanted to go to the root of the problem (maybe it’s a professional bias), and I started researching the connection between the reaction of the body and mental and emotional states. I finally found an article that made me cry, and I understood I had found my truth.
The article described how we often overload ourselves with unrealistic expectations and a huge amount of pressure, in order to meet our need to show we are valuable. It described how, through pain, the body forces us to stop, yet we use a lot of drugs to keep going and continue doing what we were doing without listening to the voice of wisdom. By so doing we ignore a very important message, a message called: Instructions for Real, Long-lasting Happiness.
Not surprisingly many of us suffer from these symptoms as a consequence of a feeling of unworthiness, which we try to placate by accomplishing more and more, just to discover that the feeling never goes away, no matter what we do. Prompted by this feeling we can make very poor choices. However, while we can trick our mind into believing that those choices are right, our body never lies. We just need the courage to listen and try to understand what it is saying. We often pursue some goals or achievements to prove our value, to quiet those voices and feelings of inadequacy; we do it to be LOVED, to be wanted, to be accepted. But true love is free; acceptance, inclusion are free, we can’t “buy” them with our performance.
The challenge is within ourselves, and the truth is that others don’t really care that much. Either because they love us and accept us unconditionally, or because they are too preoccupied with their own lives. If someone gets too involved in someone else’s story of achievement or success, it is probably just a projection. In other words, they are basically preoccupied with themselves but haven’t yet mustered the courage to see it.
Why is the reward we get often different from what we expect?
In the New York Times’ article, You Accomplished Something Great. So, Now What?[1] the author speaks about a great accomplishment he attained but nevertheless felt empty and burst into tears. Did you ever experience something similar?
Why do we work hard toward certain goals just to discover that the reward is far from what we expected? Scientific research on affective forecasting helps us here[2]:
- We often identify the actual accomplishment, the “fact”, with the reward we expect it to bring us. We make a great deal of mental assumptions, inferences, generalizations and conceptualizing based on our past experience in order to imagine what a future achievement will feel like. We draw these quick parallels – such as the famous “more money = more happiness” – which, even though we refuse to admit it, guide our actual behavior and decisions. Remember the little game we played in Part I of this article? We tried to think of the word “Success” and see which images would spontaneously come to mind. Well, that’s your subconscious speaking and you can sugar it up with your mental constructions as much as you want, but that will not change the fact that that is probably what you are unconsciously looking for and taking your decisions upon.
- Scientists discovered a duration bias of the mind in the affective forecasting. In other words, we fail to estimate the duration of the feeling a future event will generate, the emotional impact of something yet to come. Generally, we overestimate this impact, both for a positive and a negative event. The truth is that we can’t know how the future event will look like, what other circumstances will be affecting us at the same time, how our priorities and needs would have shifted at the time of the occurrence and yet, emotional predictions are the north star which dictates the majority of our decisions.
- Research shows that a common event usually doesn’t affect you for more than a few months, and a tragic event has a lesser impact on you than you would ever imagine. Regardless of what you experience, the general level of happiness will return to normal in fairly short order.
Since we can’t trust our mind (conditioned), nor our emotional predictions (biased), on what basis should we set our goals and understand what Success means for us?
Listen to subtle signals
When we want to approach the truth, our body is wiser than our mind. We explored in Part I what would be different if we listened to our gut signals, to our emotions and if we observed our body’s expansions and contraction in order to understand what it is trying to tell us, what makes us feel alive and joyous, and what makes us feel frustrated, sad or angry. The invitation is once again to fine tune your hearing to the energy shifts that constantly recur in your body. Focus your attention on your body and you will gather much more information than you could ever imagine! It requires a little training, but it really pays off, because you get closer to YOUR TRUTH.
Conclusion
The definition of success is open to be written by any of us. In order to do so, I suggest that you take a step back and master the courage to ask yourself some questions, to listen to the signals and:
- Don’t be scared if the answer is not what you expect. Even if you know the truth, you can decide otherwise, or wait. Decisions are based on many factors and circumstances. Be patient, give yourself time to understand and plan.
- If you think it’s time to cease being involved in a situation that doesn’t suit you anymore, don’t judge yourself. We consider ourselves quitters, lazy or fearful, but most of the time our heart just isn’t there, or not anymore. We often think that this is a sign of FAILURE, but this may be a sign of GROWTH, as we’re getting closer to our truth. If that’s the case, move on.
- Act responsibly. If you think that what you are doing is not what you should be doing, that, since a certain situation has fully satisfied you and you have done the utmost for it, you decide to move on, leave impeccably. Don’t leave loose ends or anything that may burden you or others in the future. This will set you free[3].
What we are talking about here is extremely difficult, scary and time consuming. But it’s worth it: is it better to spend one day doing what you are really meant for or a lifetime ignoring it?
The sooner the better! And kudos to you if you’re willing to try.
By Anna Gallotti & Selika Cerofolini
[1] A.C. Shilton, You Accomplished Something Great. So, Now What? The New York Times, 28 May 2019.
[2] Daniel T. Gilbert et al., Immune Neglect: A Source of Durability Bias in Affective Forecasting, Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 1998, Vol. 75, N. 3, American Psychological Association.
[3] David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man, Sounds True Editions, 2017.
