Whatch out: contagious zone, emotions coming!

The contagious effect of our emotions

How often do we attribute to others or to an external cause the responsibility of our own feelings?
“He drives me crazy”; “he makes me nervous”; “he makes me laugh”; “this annoys me”: it is as if our emotions were more often than not triggered by something that had nothing to do with us, a superior force that somehow controls us.

In fact, this is both TRUE and FALSE

TRUE because emotions are CONTAGIOUS

They tend to spread around us. We are seldom aware of the effect of our emotional state on people around us. We realize it only when someone says something like “you are in a good/bad mood today!” Nor do we realize that this “power” is the key that can turn bad relationships into good relationships and vice-versa.

Companies send employees to coaches, when these employees have problems handling their emotions. They ask, or suggest, that the coach help them “calm down”, since people around them are disturbed by their behavior. These people are often unaware of the impact of their emotional crises.
For instance, Sylvie did not understand why she had been asked to talk to a coach, simply because every so often she told her co-workers that their work was not up to par. “Besides, she claimed, it is TRUE that the work is sloppy. I am certainly not going to tell them that it’s a job well done!”
Sylvie did not understand the impact that her emotions had on her fellow workers, who, fearing they might make mistakes, didn’t dare ask her for help and, consequently, multiplied their errors without her being aware of them.

The first approach with these clients may seem like a paradox, because, instead of telling them to tone down their emotions, I point out the contagious effect of their emotions and the ensuing positive or negative effects.

In Sylvie’s case, it was imperative that she become more flexible vis-à-vis her emotions: if she succeeded in patiently explaining to her co-workers what had to be done to overcome their mistakes, she could afford to get angry every once in a while when the same mistakes were repeated over and over so as to underscore the need to correct them and take matters in hand. In this case emotional contagion, even though negative, can become positive, since it points the way towards improvement. A strong sign of emotional contagion can be seen in its effect on the behavior of others.

The problem arises when we don’t consider this effect as the consequence of OUR behavior. As long as we are blind, we obviously are unable to solve the problem…it’s the cat biting its own tail! If, on the contrary, we realize that we are part of the problem, we can succeed in solving it by recognizing our capacity to spread contagion.

FALSE, because our emotions BELONG to US

Their consequence is a SPONTANEOUS BODY REACTION¹ determined by us and not by someone else or by a particular situation.
We cannot choose circumstances that befall us nor the people with whom we share these circumstances; on the contrary we are responsible for our feelings and the INTENSITY of our emotions.

What can we do to become aware of our emotional intensity and handle it properly?

Look at this graphic:

If the intensity of our feelings is low (yellow band), we are not motivated to act. Exactly like Sylvie, who was not convinced of the necessity to tone down her anger. Afterwards, thanks to coaching sessions, Sylvie began to realize that she had a “power of contagion” and recognized that when she was feeling angry, she made unpleasant remarks to her co-workers which kept them from doing a good job and from improving as she would have wished. If the intensity is too high (red band), we risk being submerged by our emotions and being unable to think clearly (in fact, we say: “I am beside myself”!). Even worse, we spread contagion to others who, in turn, stop thinking clearly. They are, like us, submerged by their emotions. The result of our performance under such circumstances is seldom good…. Sylvie realized that when she felt emotion rising, it was important that she put things into perspective. After taking a deep breath, after counting to ten, little by little she managed to come down to an average emotional state (orange level), which enabled her to make her co-workers understand how much she cared about their success and calmly explain to them how they could improve. In this case Sylvie conveyed an emotional state that enabled her co-workers both to understand how to improve the quality of their work and to think about possible solutions in a calm, and hence effective, ambiance. If we pay attention to our emotional states and our physical reactions associated with them, we can handle our emotional curve more easily. This will result in an improved performance and in a smoother relationship with people around us. Conclusion The contagious effect and the awareness of our emotional curve are two main keys which will enable us to better understand and handle the extent of our influence on our entourage. I invite you to put these two tools into practice without reserve!

¹The link between our emotions and our body is very well described in Antonio Damasio’s book “Looking for Spinoza” and has been confirmed by numerous scientific studies