More than ever before we are bombarded with information, solicitations, invites to meetings, and requests on Slack or WhatsApp. This creates in us the underlying feeling that we must immediately react to these notifications. If we fail to do so (even if these requests happen outside of our working hours or on weekends), they will keep on coming, until we feel like we must give up and, almost out of desperation, respond. Continuing to ignore messages or requests only increases our creeping sense of guilt and makes us think: “If this person is still working, maybe I should do it too because EVERYONE does it”; “If I don’t answer, I know that my boss will get back at me, even if not explicitly”.

Chiara, one of my coaching clients, looked agitated during our coaching session. She complained that she no longer had peaceful family time during the evening or on weekends because she felt oppressed by this urge of always needing to be “present” at work. She told me that even during holidays she could not really disconnect because in her company there was this unspoken expectation of people answering emails from anywhere, at any time. She was permanently stressed and unable to take a break from work to rest and recharge. Even worse, she felt guilty if she didn’t respond right away, as if waiting until Monday morning to look at her emails would be an unforgivable shortcoming. As a result of being swept around by a whirlwind of urgencies, Chiara was exhausted and no longer able to think about what was truly important.

Do you find yourself in a similar situation?

If so, don’t worry, it’s common. With our “new normal” being working from home, the boundaries between working life and personal life are blurred or even nonexistent. Consequently, we no longer know how to establish boundaries that allow us to recharge and take time for ourselves. Numerous studies prove that after a period of intense and often stressful work (for instance, all virtual meetings are themselves a source of stress), our body needs some recovery time to function properly. Prolonged exposure to stressors (including work) leads to a decrease in our immune defenses and hinders our ability to think more globally and strategically. We are not machines but human beings, and as such we need recovery time. newspaper “Corriere della Sera”, Elena Talebano says that it is normal for us to feel a kind of “mental fog.” [1] Not only being completely immersed in this technological world stresses us too much, but most importantly we are almost totally deprived of personal relationships. For a year, we have not had our usual level of human interaction, which is a source of well-being that is essential for our survival.

What can you do, then?

The solution seems very simple, but it’s rather difficult to apply: say “no”. Protect yourself from constant stress by putting limits that are healthy for you. Saying “no” is an art because obviously we don’t want to antagonize our boss or seem rude to a client. So, the question is rather “how” to set these limits. Here are some tips that I have collected through my experience and by talking to my clients. They are the result of a lived trial-and-error and, most importantly, they work!

The 3 “D”

1/ Define:

• Your working hours at least twice a week: When do you want to start looking at emails? When do you want to stop?
• Your personal space: When you finish working, put your computer into your “professional” space, even if it’s just your backpack, and leave it there for the whole weekend.
• When you are going to take your lunch break, for how long, … Remind yourself to take five minutes in-between meetings to breathe.

2/ Open up a dialogue:

• Explain to your boss and/or your colleagues that you need this space to regenerate and that this “breathing time” will allow you to work much better and much more effectively. Moreover, it will certainly make you more amiable with your colleagues and clients.
• Explain that your motivation will increase thanks to these breaks, and that they are not a sign of demotivation. On the contrary, they will help you sustain this challenging pace in the long term.
• Express all of this with firmness and respect. Don’t wait until you can’t take it anymore to have this conversation, otherwise you may lead the dialogue with the very human feeling that you “have nothing to lose” and maybe go overboard.

3/ Determination:

• Proceed with small but steady steps.
• Choose a precise action that seems feasible to you and do it as frequently as possible. For example, take a 30-minute lunch break without being interrupted.
• It could also be a “non-action,” like not reading your emails or not answering the work phone after a certain time or before a certain time.
• Perform these actions as much as possible. Maybe at the beginning twice a week, then increase according to how you feel.
• Take the time to congratulate yourself on your successes, but DON’T feel guilty for your failures. It is useless. Rather say to yourself: “How can I do better tomorrow?”; “Who could help me?”

Conclusion

Saying no is an art that we need to learn in order to respect ourselves. It takes courage, diplomacy and perseverance, but it is an absolutely necessary skill in order to continue being in good health and experiencing our job as a part of our life: sometimes challenging, but also enjoyable. After all, we dedicate most of our day to working, and must prioritize preserving our health and well-being.

Anna Gallotti

[1] Elena Talebano, press review of Corriere della Sera of 15 March 2021, “Stress, boredom, panic: the pandemic is also becoming an epidemic for mental health” Atlantic, Guardian, New Statesman.