Antoine, whom I have been coaching, tells me about his frustration at work. Yet, when I ask him: “Would you like to change?”, he answers: “I have no choice!” and supports his statement with a thousand reasons tending to prove that he really has no choice.
What should we do when we think that we have no choice?
Here are some aspects of the problem I have been mulling over after publishing my book “Make the right choices”, co-authored with Maryvonne Lorenzen. I have arrived at the conclusion that “no choice” scenarios can be divided into five main categories. There are actually more; I am just mentioning the most important ones:
1/ I shall begin with the scenario that is most frustrating for many of us: we convince ourselves that we have no choice, whereas we actually do have a choice.
As an example, I shall mention the case of Louis, one of my clients, who complains about too much work, late working hours and lack of a personal life. Yet, when we delve into his professional life, we find that he refuses to delegate and tries to be everywhere. Since at home he is going through a difficult transition period, he obviously needs to compensate with recognition at work. The benefit deriving from this recognition is far stronger than his fatigue.
Furthermore, since his refusing to delegate and his co-workers’ grumbling about this ubiquitous manager don’t look good, he feels both the need to make excuses (“they need me”) and complain (“they look for me all the time”).
This particular case is frustrating because it is sometimes difficult to be fully aware of the fact that this deceptive no choice situation depends entirely upon ourselves.
Such no choice circumstances actually conceal a real choice: the wish to be acknowledged as irreplaceable.
2/ Another “no choices” situation is exemplified by the person who doesn’t have a choice at a “particular moment”. Instead of examining the circumstances in their context, he/she generalizes by claiming that he/she “NEVER has a choice”.
Let’s go back to Louis, who is not satisfied with his work and tells me that he has no choice. We know that there is a fine line between the feeling of not having a choice and frustration, and that frustration leads to feelings of revenge, bitterness. Such emotions are reflected by one’s behavior on the workplace: cantankerousness, impatience, insisting on being right at all costs, etc. Then what should we do when we have to earn a living, but our daily life is frustrating? We have to bear in mind the story of the frog that is swimming in warm water. The water keeps getting warmer until finally the poor frog, numb with heat, can no longer get out of the water and dies there. To keep the situation from dragging on, we must in the first place gain awareness of our growing frustration (something which is far from easy!) and then set a time limit beyond which, unless the situation changes, we begin to look for other positions and/or other companies.
If we anticipate choosing to change, it becomes easier to forestall the moment when we will be exasperated by the situation and will feel trapped by a job or a company.
Of course it is easier not to think about it…
3/ In the third “no choices” case we are not responsible for a situation simply because …we have not chosen it!
Such is the case of an illness (even though, sometimes, we may have partially contributed to it…) or the illness or death of a loved one. In this case, our choice is limited to the state of mind with which we face the situation. For instance, in spite of the sadness we feel when a loved one dies, we should think that we have been lucky to get to know him/her, that we have learned a lot from, and been enriched by, his/her friendship, that he/she has bestowed human warmth upon us. In other words, we should try to find positive aspects even in very painful situations. I would like to mention as an example a friend of mine who, even though she has a handicapped son, has always considered him a gift, in spite of several trying moments.
4/ Sometimes we don’t have a choice, simply because we ourselves have created a no choice situation.
A typical example, which often comes up in coaching sessions, is the case of Philippe, who claims he always has to play the role of “fireman” in inextricable situations. After a thirty-year career, he is beginning to think that this role is rather tiring, but that he has no choice since in his company he is known as an excellent “fireman” and hence he has to face very complex situations. Is this a real no choice case? Not really, because at a certain moment in his career, he accepted this role as “fireman”, he was glad to solve an inextricable situation and chose to solve another similar situation, thus becoming a good “fireman” to the point of exhaustion. In this case, the first step is becoming aware of the fact that today’s no choice circumstances are the result of real choices made in the past on the basis of the flow of opportunities, without much in-depth thinking.
Unfortunately this awareness is sometimes difficult to reach, since it is much easier to tell ourselves that “destiny is behind all this” and that we are in no way responsible.
But the minute we decide to take charge of our own destiny, we give ourselves the possibility of regaining control and of making choices that suit us.
5/ Finally, sometimes our convictions lead us to think that we don’t have a choice.
As an example, sometimes a student is so convinced that he/she will fail a test that he/she… does fail! Does this surprise you? Let us look at ourselves with total honesty. How often do our convictions lead us to think that we don’t have a choice?
Sometimes we don’t say “no” to somebody not because we are convinced that “we don’t have the choice”, but because we think that the other person might “take offense”.
Or we may anticipate other people’s reactions without having verified them, simply out of fear of “hurting somebody” while we simply don’t have the guts to act, or are not willing to shake up the established order. In such a case, the best solution is being honest about ourselves and about the benefits we draw from thinking that we have no choice. We must then convince ourselves that we have chosen this or that conviction because it suits us for the time being, even if sometimes it gets on our nerves. Or we may want to change it since it does more harm than good.
In short, we have a wider range of choices than we think. Human beings have an annoying tendency: they prefer “no choice” solutions in order to avoid the responsibility that choice entails, a responsibility which can sometimes be overwhelming. Responsibility also means taking charge of one’s life and consequently being able to change things.
When students finally convince themselves that they can pass a test, they will pass it with flying colors. It’s up to us to choose!
Summary of no choice situations and solutions
| Situation | Benefit | Solution |
| Doesn’t delegate (at work). Does everything for everybody (at home) | Being considered indispensable | Admitting the need for recognition and finding other areas of recognition leading to greater satisfaction |
| Lack of satisfaction at work or in personal life | Acting like the frog: staying in warm water without moving | Gaining awareness of our frog-like behavior and setting a time limit to start reacting and to find alternate solutions |
| Situations we have not chosen (death, illness…) | None! | Changing our mindset in order to either find a positive side to the situation or a higher motive that will help us pull through (for example, our love for someone) |
| We have gotten ourselves into a no choice situation | Shirking responsibility on our destiny | Looking at our life with lucidity to pinpoint the moment when our choice triggered certain events and then asking ourselves if we want to give our life a different direction |
| Convictions that hamper us | Shirking responsibility on our destiny | Finding the hampering conviction and assessing its impact on our life, then deciding if we want (or don’t want) to change. |
